ps I wrote this for Matthew Perry who didn’t make it out alive. I am hurt and fascinated by cautionary tales of creatives in the limelight who struggle with addiction. Maybe this post can help someone today.
I failed rehab.
I did. I wasn’t ready yet. Plus those motherfuckers discharged me. They kicked my ass out! They failed me too (more on that in THE BOOK) and that’s alright I am a special case and after two weeks of the Raymbo they were all good on me.
I drank the day I got out. Beer. mmm delicious.
Again. I wasn’t ready to quit drinking yet. I needed to fall some more first and hit bottom and that, I did. I would have stayed, I wanted to, I became institutionalized. I liked the routine. It was the first period in years of sobriety for me BUT what happened was my (racing fast AF) mind woke up. I have been drinking to quiet my AUDHD or whatever the fuck you call it my whole life then ptsd 9/11 thoughts happened and I had to quiet those too. (I am good with that now don’t worry but if I am not careful shit can get sketchy)…
I started also drinking caffeine in rehab as well – when I was heavily-drinking, the smell of coffee, of anything, food especially(!) made me nauseated and I didn’t eat much really, barely, despite looking ten months pregnant from acute Pancreatitis.
When you look like that you drink more to forget you look like that.
There’s a lot more painful ones on my device for another time.. when I posted these originally people said oh I didn’t know um ya sorry but ya you fucking did and I told you but you didn’t care because it’s not about you. You learn a lot at the bottom of a bottle and I am not blaming anyone but myself. People need visuals to know that things are real nowadays. My picture of 9/11 shows that I was there if not for that then no one would believe me. As much. No one believed how bad it was until I showed them how bad it was.
Years prior one day my mom said to me why aren’t you doing pictures anymore or want to be photographed and I said not until I’m back at my fighting weight. Why do I want miserable gross pictures of letting myself go? Angie our adorably very-Italian family hairdresser after my last visit with my polished new hair lanky body selfie posing it up in the mirror clicked her teeth and said well, why did you let it all go then? It was confirmation that yeah girl you are pretty and here is the glow-up but WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCK BRO. Right?
Anyway, rehab, right. I got a lot of material out of it buddy and tools for my toolkit, repressed rage, animosity, gratitude, and yeah, it needed to be done. Am I drinking the kool-aid tho? Am I ever? I do know that ADAPT helped me, outpatient shit is more my jam because living with people and hearing them snore when you are used to vodka to knock you tf out will eventually end very badly. at first I got VIP treatment and the big room with the en suite bathroom and a tiny chick who didn’t snore but there was another girl who was my bestie then turned into my enemy omg fuck her I tore up her paintings she gave me lol the thing about rehab is it’s very high school for adults and there’s gossip and bullying it turns into jail maybe well yeah because we can’t leave and have rules.
my gf said I would be popular in rehab and I was like no way (secretly pumped) but then it came true way too much. I was kicked out of the first detox i went to as well, it was ratchet and they put me by the observation window and it was so loud they didn’t like my tone when I requested more than earplugs then 4 hot paramedics came in to get a girl to take her to the hospital and they were like okay which one are we taking when they looked at me fuck you as if!! lol.
…but yeah, it’s ass-backwards the system. I should have just detoxed in the hospital but my mom wanted me to be in the (support) system for after that but turns out that was not for me and now we know okay so all the rest will be in my THE BOOK.
If you know anyone or you yourself need some support, it’s out there alright. We’re not all the same and not everything covers our bases, look at me, but I found something before it was too late and holy shit thank you, thank you, amen.
I’ll be doing a post on Matthew Perry another day. Today I am 356 days free from alcohol. Addicts talk about that shit because normies who drink, do not.
update: yeah comments are down working on it. appreesh and respect the old template format and og internet vibes. shrug
if u live ur life like here for a good time not a long time, that shit will come true for you
Weird to feel body-shamed or shame of body for posting it here weird that I am cringing right now mentally?? when I am so hugely confident what is it like oh ya I’ve circled the wagons on all platforms now to add something here too. at night I’m a livewire for ideas and topics here and it’s so evident I am scattered and stretched thin but it’s coming together or will be.
just came across this interesting post on threads that is kinda pertinent..
there’s something so satisfying about seeing people’s Nasty energy come out that you clocked as weird. especially when you’ve kept it private. Ugh God it’s so good. But also a teensy part of me is also like “IT TOOK YALL LONG ENOUGH!”
and via the app is fun/desktop http://substack.com/@raymitheminx if you know you know. substack is Onlyfans for writers streets are saying. what took me so ling was the comeback.
here’s what i posted on mine today along with my chestsicles.
hey buddies yesterday was lovely i walked like a psycho and am going longer distances like it ain’t no thing i might bike today instead we’ll see, i dig the music part of the leisure sport and cycling while being a music video in my head is dangerous shit i am very absent-minded so no music if bike, music video if walk kk.
my face was red from the sun had to reapply my spf tint before the meeting so i was very tanned last night LOL and my face was hot from coffee and shyness when i stood up jumped up skipped down to get my 11 month chip my face was BURNING i am very very shy then when i spoke later on during the share circle i almost passed out from the adrenaline rush thru my body it’s totally a drug but i learned that i need to man the fuck up and be less of a child, speak with discernment and no offense but who the fuck cares about me or knows me, no one so i have to tell tell tell the story better way better and get right to the meat and the funny. i will fucking do this! it’s my destiny now here’s my tits.
WHATS GOOD HOMIES I FEEL LIKE YELLING I FEEL INCREDIBLE AND INSANE AT ONCE BECAUSE I ALSO FEEL MAD BUT I FEEL GLAD ABOUT IT DONT CARE IF THAT DONT MAKE SENSE IF U KNOW U KNOW MAYBE GET A IYKYK TATTOO?
I am done yelling now. I do not apologize. WELL I HAVE A BLOG AND YOU DONT SO YOU WILL READ EVERY DAMN WORD THAT I HAVE TO SAY! What’s good Sandman.
I am stoked because I have finally cracked and decided to pivot my rage and focus into myself and my creative pursuits now instead of trying to get my man to stop his bullshit that’s just so much wasted time and I am mad at myself that I allowed it like I can have it all if I just go for it and stop text-warring settling for bare minimum because it’s never gonna happen or stop or change. that’s enough laundry I got other fish to fry.
I wrote a hilarious (to me at least) set that my gf has also confirmed is good and we work-shopped it a little it is my mission to have it done and have a smooth delivery before I get anywhere near a stage but i also gotta be quick with it before I psyche myself out. Yes you can come, please do and it will be my third time doing stand-up 6th if u count when I MC’d a few events before which instantly turns into a category 5 roast fest.
and thanks to that d**ggy-faced c*nt I will be doing stand-up wearing my red string bikini as well will be tanned and toned as f*ck so its kind of a like a look at me for all. i am f*cking serious about this fame shit now no more f-cking around, pedi at 6, bawth time now then feet finder at 7 I AM SERIOUS DO NOT DOUBT ME BYE.
first time ever having that as a blog title in almost 27 years! That’s right this November we are stepping into our 27th year of blogging on raymitheminx yaaaar and now on to the funny business.
you’d be surprised how quick a micropenis will bring a community together. please submit humiliation tactics here to my micropeen paypig to see, it’s called SPH small penis humiliation. Thank goodness it’s Monday. https://t.co/C2TPyzLMxa
don’t think I can top this one lol. please comment your directions and suggestions for ridiculing a poor bastard packing a tiny tic tac today, don’t delay! i even missed some transfers in the night while I was sleeping and he canceled them this is serious lol next I need a foot guy.
Before u rake me for AI, this was made by a long time Little Raymiite so put some respect on it, we all know I am not an AI guy, in fact, I only just logged into Chatgpt for the very first time in order to grab these. I can only early-adopt so fucking much.
I mean, ya got the hot mess on point here.
Not the title of my book but it’s pretty awesome, no? Didn’t know you can make the whitest name in the world, punk. Thanks William!!
AM short-circuiting. doing everything BUT writing my book but it’s okay it’s cooling off and we’re winding down from summer now we’re almost there.
Picture a ship at sea and preparing for that voyage.
You’re getting all the goods, provisions, and shit on board bla blah we can have endless fun with this metaphor of me finally fucking writing I already stood at the window just now like a mega-hurtbag cliché, staring at the sheep I just fed and tended then I split indoors with Chester.
Chicken wings next will be coming into my life oh god I can’t wait OKAY I’ll crank this out here then everyone will be jazzed about me fucking off social media for awhile (as if) but no, for quite some bit, to tear into the book. THE BOOK THIS FUCKING BOOOOOOK!
It serves as this fantasy neverland myth of mental relief the holy grail, it will save me and all sins, atoned. A guide map to me. Maybe I will learn about myself maybe, I’ve had my fill. Less talking more doing. This blog post is a guilty pleasure treat tho. You need to have more of what you love in your life. In your days. Fundamentally it should go that way for all. My ethos is the pursuit of joy. It is like, an obsession.
Everything that I do is something I love.
When I buy eight cases of San Pellegrino it is because I love myself. When I splurged on my fantasy overalls, it’s because I love me and why restrict something that one day I planned to do, I made a mental note about and struck it from my to do list. Bucket lists! Yes. That’s my era I am living like I am dying, you know what I’m saying? You do.
It’s all about perspective. Eating to live rather than living to eat. ha ha!
This is maroon/red. A thrifted vibe. Leaving the picture huge I don’t care I am the boss here.
A masculine day. I got this shirt during a relapse period, late last summer, only wear it sober. Blue is cosmetic.
There is something I don’t like about this picture of me. It’s the eye contact. It looks insane.
Yesterday was adorable tho I love my Shannon.
Here I did this before writing this blog post. In my puttering era too i need shit to do to stay off my phone. I am getting into the Lizzie Borden thing on Netflix now and then I will binge the Willy Wonka competition show omg yay. Then Survivor too. Shannon said I couldn’t audition for Survivor, uhh, I about lit her tf up on that one I tell you what LOL.
Hopefully I am eating chicken wings right now as you look at this bye! leave a vomment thanks.
Was a stellar time. I’ll isolate some clips because I talked for 1 hour and 28 minutes, golly!! Again please and next time I am bring a mirror so I can control my goddamn face. I love podcasts, invite me on yours and see me try not to curse.
